Preplanning your funeral brings you peace of mind knowing that your final wishes will be followed as you would want and that the financial aspects will be covered. Putting plans in place now means you get to make important choices for yourself, but it is also one of the greatest gifts you can give loved ones. Rather than feeling burdened at the time of death, they can focus on their journey through grief.
Our funeral home has a Preplanning Specialist on staff whose job it is to guide individuals and families through the preplanning process. Right now, we are faced with unique circumstances, but the current pandemic does not mean we have stopped providing the valuable service of helping people plan ahead. We have simply become more flexible and creative.
If you are interested in putting final arrangements in place, we are happy to do so in a way that meets you at your comfort level. We understand there are many individuals who would prefer to visit about preplanning in person, so we are currently still offering to meet at the funeral home while following social distancing and other Department of Health guidelines. We can also meet with you outdoors. For those who are interested in utilizing technology, we can conduct an entire prearrangement conference by phone and/or video conferencing. Forms can be signed electronically via email, or we can stop by your home to safely obtain the required signatures.
Call us at the funeral home if you have questions or if you would like to set up a preplanning meeting you are comfortable with. Keep an eye out for our upcoming preplanning seminars and events, which might be held online. For more information about preplanning, you can also visit our website.
If you have lost a loved one, writing in a journal can be one of the most powerful ways to cope and work toward healing. It encourages you to express and explore the myriad of emotions that accompany grief. Rather than avoiding the reality of the death and extending the grieving process, journaling encourages introspection, which is important in accepting loss and creating a sense of peace. You might not even realize what you are feeling until you sit down to write about it.
There are many mental health benefits of journaling, including reducing stress and coping with anxiety or depression. Journaling provides a healthy outlet when emotions feel overwhelming,which can be common while grieving. Practicing gratitude also helps you focus on the positives in life, so writing about what you are grateful for can provide perspective when times might feel shadowed by your grief.
One of the best parts about journaling is that there is no right or wrong way to do it, and you never even have to let anyone see your work. Sometimes the words will flow out of you without much thought and other times you might feel a bit stuck. Below is a list of grief journaling prompts you can use for inspiration whenever you need it.
• Make a list of your favorite things you did with your loved one. Make another list of what you wish you would’ve done.
• Explain how you are honoring the memory of your loved one in your daily life.
• Tell about the people you have in your support system.
• Pick a color that represents how you are feeling today and explain why.
• Write about the memories of your loved one that seem to be most heavy on your mind.
• Make a list of what you are grateful for today.
• Retell the last moments you remember being with your loved one.
• Write a letter to your loved one about what you have been doing to stay busy lately.
• Answer these questions to consider how your grief is impacting your activities:
• What is the hardest time of day for you and why?
• What is the hardest day of the week for you and why?
• During which daily activities do you find yourself in the densest fog of grief?
• During which daily activities do you find your mind wandering away from your grief?
• What has been your hardest day so far?
Having a service or gathering to remember and honor a life lived is an extremely vital part of the grieving process. It is a chance for loved ones to say goodbye, and it also provides an opportunity for friends, family, coworkers, and community members to offer necessary comfort and reassurance. However, there are currently restrictions on gatherings, and society is encouraged to stay home as much as possible because of the COVID-19 pandemic. As a result, you might need to get a bit more creative in order to express sympathy and offer support to those grieving.
This period of uncertainty might also be particularly trying for those who have lost a loved one in the past. If their loved one’s birthday or anniversary of death falls during this time, it might feel additionally lonely and sad due to social distancing and the already overwhelming current conditions. Many of the ideas listed below can be used to show you are thinking of these individuals who are facing difficult days as well.
Get Creative with Communication
Sending a sympathy card in the mail is currently still a viable option, but there are also many ways to use technology to let the family know you are sorry for their loss and thinking of them even though you cannot be there in person. Send a heartfelt text or set up a time to video conference. When it comes to social media, follow the lead of the family; if they have posted about their loved one’s death already, then it is appropriate to comment with your condolences.
There are a couple of ways to offer your sympathies and connect through our funeral home websites. As always, you can view tribute videos and use our condolences page to leave a message for the family. In addition, we have created HeartStrings, an option for you to upload a photo and add a note to the family that will be printed and posted in an area for them to see and/or placed in a guest book. You can also view a live stream or recording of the service when available. Specific details regarding these options can be found on the individual’s obituary page.
For the message itself, simply expressing your sympathy will be appreciated by the family. But if you knew the deceased individual well, taking the time to share photos and memories is more personal and might help provide the family with a deeper sense of comfort right now. Think of it like giving a virtual hug.
Have Flowers or a Meal Delivered
Depending on what is available at the time, you might still be able to place an order for flowers to be delivered to the funeral home for the private service or to the family’s residence. Flowers are a beautiful way to show you care and bring a bit of hope to a challenging time. Another related idea is having a meal delivered to the family in the days following the death of their loved one, which can help alleviate stress and provide a bit of simple comfort. During the current pandemic, purchase food to be delivered rather than bringing a home-cooked meal. Many restaurants have adopted creative methods to ensure safe practices and limit in-person contact.
Just be sure you make arrangements with the family in advance for any delivery option, especially so that proper safety guidelines can be maintained. Also, consider letting them know they don’t need to write you a thank-you. That way they can focus on themselves and their healing.
Make a Donation
Now more than ever, perhaps one of the most meaningful ways to honor someone who has passed is to make a donation in their name. You could make a contribution to COVID-19 response efforts, but you can also still opt for a personal route such as an organization related to the individual’s interests or a charity they supported. Send the family a message to let them know where you have donated to in memory of their loved one.
Visit the Gravesite
Gathering restrictions still apply at the burial site, but you could consider visiting the grave on your own. To be safe, refrain from touching the marker or any of the arrangements. Let the family know you were there. They will appreciate knowing that you were thinking of them and that you took the time to pay your respects to their loved one.
Follow Up Later
Write yourself a note or put a reminder in your phone to connect with those who are grieving again at a later date when the pandemic subsides or once the social distancing guidelines end. It will still be just as important to offer your support at that time.
Pets have a special way of providing happiness and comfort, and many people consider them beloved members of their family. If you are facing the loss of a pet, know that it is perfectly acceptable to grieve however you need to. It will likely take time to get used to life without your animal companion. Some people might not understand the value or depth of your relationship with your pet, but there are many, many pet owners who do. Seek out support from others who can relate.
Losing a pet can be especially challenging for children. They become accustomed to feeling unconditional love from what is often one of their closest friends, so the grief they experience is very real. It is important to be honest but also sensitive about the situation. Encourage them to talk about their feelings and give them plenty of time to heal before rushing to bring home a new pet. Reading a book about losing a pet will also help them understand what has happened and reassure them it is OK to be sad.
For children and adults alike, it can be helpful to have some sort of service or memorial, even if that means simply gathering the family together for a few minutes so that each person can choose a photo of the pet to frame. It encourages everyone to remember all of the good times spent with their pet and feel comfort in knowing those memories will always be held close to their hearts.
Similar to writing an obituary, memorializing a loved one does not mean simply signifying their death. It is an opportunity to recognize, honor, and remember their life. Besides paying tribute to a life lived, memorialization is also incredibly important for those grieving the loss of that life. It can help loved ones come to terms with the loss while also providing a source of peace as they journey through grief.
There is certainly no right or wrong way to memorialize a loved one. For some, memorialization comes as an experience, such as recreating favorite vacation memories shared with the one who passed or gathering with family to play their favorite sport. It could be through giving back to others by sponsoring an organization, facilitating an annual memorial charity event, or setting up a scholarship fund in a loved one’s name, for example.
A physical reminder of a loved one’s life helps offer comfort and hope when needed most. Making a pillow with one of their shirts, planting their favorite flowers, or framing one of their handwritten recipes are just a few of the possibilities. Some of the options for memorialization using cremated remains include jewelry, glass sculptures, and garden ornaments.
But permanent memorialization, which means creating a lasting memorial that will be kept intact for generations, has immense value. Family and friends can gather there to mourn the death and celebrate the life of the individual, now and for years to come. The most common forms of permanent memorials are traditional monuments and markers used in a cemetery. With more people opting for cremation, many cemeteries also feature cremation benches or columbaria.
No matter which options you choose, the most important thing is that you memorialize a loved one in some way. Call us or stop in today. We can explain more of the memorialization possibilities available and help you decide what is best for you and your family.
Can you still have a service if you choose cremation?
Yes, participating in a service or gathering is actually a vital part of the healing process. Direct cremation, without any type of service or memorialization, may extend the grief process. In no way does choosing cremation limit the possibilities for creating a meaningful, personalized tribute to honor, remember, and celebrate the life lived.
Is it possible to have a viewing when choosing cremation?
Yes, families can still have a public or private viewing prior to the cremation. Many people choose to have a visitation and funeral with the embalmed body present before it is cremated. Besides providing an opportunity for final goodbyes, a viewing helps loved ones recognize the reality of the death and begin their journey through grief.
What are some of the options for cremated remains?
The increasingly creative possibilities for cremated remains are nearly endless. Besides being placed in personalized urns, they can be incorporated into jewelry, set in a garden sculpture, or even suspended in glass. For a more traditional route, cremated remains can be buried in a cemetery, just as a casket would be, or placed in a columbarium there. If the family wishes to scatter the ashes, funeral professionals will often encourage apportionment, which means the cremated remains are divided, so that some can be used for a more permanent memorialization option. This gives loved ones an important physical marker of the individual’s life and legacy, now and for generations to come.
Is direct cremation the only option for those with financial constraints?
No, there is a wide variety of funeral service options for every budget. Funeral service professionals can help families create a meaningful, individualized tribute at a price they’re comfortable with, even when opting for cremation.
If you have lost a loved one, the holiday season can be an especially challenging time of year. While others are experiencing extra joy and excitement, your feelings of sorrow and loneliness might seem magnified. However, there are a few strategies that can help make the holidays a bit more manageable.
Allow Yourself to Feel
Trying to ignore or escape your feelings, even with good intentions of not wanting to put a damper on the holiday cheer, will only extend the grieving process. It is important to verbalize those feelings and talk with others about how you are doing. But there are many other forms of expression that will provide an outlet for the swelling emotions this time of year as well. Maybe you find peace when taking a quiet walk in the forest after a snowfall. Maybe writing about your favorite Christmas memories with your loved one makes you smile. Maybe attending a holiday concert with others who are in the same situation helps you feel less isolated. Find what fits for you.
Take Care of Yourself
We know that grief can take a huge toll on a person—mentally, emotionally, and physically—and the holidays can be taxing even without the added pain of life without your loved one. Be sure you are setting aside extra time this season to focus on your own well-being. Take more breaks and be realistic about your expectations. Participating in the festivities might help create a sense of comfort and hope, but give yourself permission to sit out from a few holiday traditions or celebrations if you feel they will be overwhelming.
Find Ways to Honor Your Loved One
For some, finding ways to include the memory of a loved one in holiday activities makes the experience less sorrowful. Whether it’s listening to their favorite Christmas song or baking the kind of cookies you always made together, those reminders of your loved one might make their presence feel more tangible. You could consider starting a new tradition in their honor, giving you something new to look forward to for the years to come. Seeking out an opportunity to give back to others this time of year is also a very special way to pay tribute to your loved one.
A eulogy is a speech given in honor and remembrance of an individual who passed away. Eulogies are a common part of funeral or memorial services, and they are generally delivered by someone who knew the deceased person well. You don’t need to be a professional writer to create a meaningful eulogy. What matters most is simply that you offer a heartfelt tribute.
Style
The tone of a eulogy is generally conversational but varies based on the personalities of the people involved. Humor is often encouraged in order to provide some lighthearted relief, but it should always be kept respectful and sensitive to the situation. Overall, the style of the eulogy should suit the one it is about.
Content
Typically, a eulogy emphasizes the defining characteristics of the deceased person, highlighting what made them special and what loved ones will remember the most about them. Some people choose to focus the eulogy mostly on their own perspective and personal relationship with the individual, but others prefer to incorporate stories and input from several different friends and family members.
It might be helpful to begin by talking with others and sharing tales about the person so that you can start a list of possible content. Try to determine what theme emerges from the stories and connects all of the details together, such as how adventurous the person was or how their life was guided by a strong faith. This will help you determine which details you want to include and can also help you transition between those details. Once you have decided the theme and narrowed down your list, you can outline how you want to organize the content and then begin writing the eulogy.
Structure
Make sure you first introduce yourself and explain your relationship to the deceased person. Then, starting with a story is always a great way to engage the audience and immediately illustrate the personality of the individual who passed. After that, you might want to describe some of the person’s most significant life moments and offer a bit of reflection on what impact they have had on those around them. Including several anecdotes throughout the eulogy helps the audience feel a sense of community while fondly reminiscing. The end of a eulogy often acknowledges and thanks those who have helped care for the individual or who were an important part of their life. Consider closing with a direct address to the one who passed or with a favorite saying of theirs.
A popular guideline is to keep the eulogy around five to seven minutes long. Once you have a first draft written, practice delivering it a few times and have someone else listen. This will help you think of details that might need to be added and also notice areas that should be revised or cut.
Who Should Attend
When an individual passes away, family, friends, and coworkers usually attend the funeral to pay their respects. At the same time, it is essential to remember that funerals are not only about the deceased; if you are close with the person’s loved ones, consider being present to offer condolences and show support.
Many people wonder whether or not it is appropriate to bring children to a funeral service. While it is important that a child doesn’t feel forced to attend, it is also important for them to have an opportunity to say goodbye and be a part of the tribute. Prepare children ahead of time by talking openly about the situation and what the service might be like.
What to Wear
The traditional attire for mourning is formal and black. However, families now often prefer that the service or gathering be seen as a celebration of their loved one’s life, so there is not necessarily a typical style anymore. Some families ask that guests dress according to a certain theme such as wearing camouflage for an avid hunter or purple for an enthusiastic Vikings fan. When in doubt, it is still safe to choose subdued colors and dress modestly.
What to Say
Knowing what to say to someone who is grieving might feel intimidating, but simply let the family know that you are sorry for their loss and that you are thinking of them during this time. If appropriate, introduce yourself and tell the family how you knew the individual who passed. You might consider sharing a favorite memory you have with the person or mentioning what you will miss the most about them. Avoid making any comments that minimize their loss or compare levels of sorrow. Also, don’t bring up the cause of death unless the family speaks freely about it.
What to Give
A sympathy card is a great way to share your condolences with the family, especially when your time interacting with them at the funeral or visitation might be very limited. Some people include a gift of money for the family or add a note that a donation was made to an organization in honor of the one who passed. Sending sympathy flowers to the funeral location prior to the service is also a very common option, as is bringing a meal to the family during the days or weeks following the service.
When an individual passes away, there is usually some type of gathering held, often accompanied by a funeral or memorial service. To avoid offending the family and to help you feel a bit more prepared, there are a few funeral etiquette factors to keep in mind. It helps to first have an understanding of what to expect.
For visitations, wakes, and other remembrance events, there will likely be displays of photos and memorabilia for you to quietly look at while waiting to visit with the family. If a viewing is involved, the embalmed body of the deceased person is present in an open casket so people can see the individual one last time and say their own goodbyes. While you are not required to participate in viewing the body, it is an important part of the grieving process. No matter the type of service or gathering, there is generally a registration book you should be sure to sign so that the family can look back later to see who attended.
Not everyone has a structured service, but for those who do, it can range from completely unique to highly traditional. Religious and non-religious preferences often influence specific selections, but you can expect readings, speeches, and music. If the seating area includes rows, the front will most likely be reserved for family. Choose a spot you are comfortable in, turn off your cell phone, and be sure to have tissues nearby.
Following the service, there may or may not be an immediate burial. If there is and if the family invites all guests to the cemetery, make sure you follow the vehicle procession and drive responsibly. Be aware of your volume at the cemetery, and always avoid sitting or walking on gravesites.
Many funeral services conclude with a meal or a more lighthearted gathering. This is an opportunity to visit with other friends and family and to share stories about the person who has passed. While the atmosphere will likely be more casual, keep in mind that many people are grieving.
Most people are familiar with a traditional will, which is a legal document explaining the distribution of an estate upon an individual’s death. An ethical will, on the other hand, communicates non-material possessions one would like to pass on, such as wisdom, apologies, advice, principles, stories from the past, and hopes for the future. Sometimes referred to as forever letters or legacy letters, ethical wills have an ancient religious history rooted in the importance recording beliefs and expectations for future generations.
Why Have an Ethical Will
Taking a step back from materialism and pondering what is truly meaningful facilitates a sense of fulfillment and contentedness. An ethical will ensures that loved ones have a permanent record of the values you always worked to instill and that your presence is kept alive for the years to come. Writing can be cathartic for anyone struggling to work through transitional or traumatic events, so legacy writing can also be especially therapeutic for those nearing the end of life.
How to Create an Ethical Will
Ethical wills have no set format, so you can write it however feels natural. Many people prefer to organize their message as a letter, addressing a single note to their loved ones collectively or several separate letters individually. For some, an informal journal approach might be a less intimidating way to get thoughts and feelings documented. If you struggle to come up with the right words, consider including favorite quotes, lyrics, or Bible verses. Don’t limit yourself to writing, either; videos are also a popular option.
Begin by considering what you want future generations to know about you and about the world you live in. What were some of the happiest and the most challenging times in your life? What do you know now that you wish you would’ve known sooner? What do you find to be life’s greatest gifts? Keep in mind that you can create your ethical will at any point, and you can always go back to make changes.
More
Interested in hearing more about the importance of ethical wills and legacy writing? Check out Scott Zucker’s TEDx Talk, “Why ethical wills are the greatest gifts of love and how to create one.”
Talking about your own funeral might be an intimidating thought, but the reasons to meet with a funeral service professional in advance significantly outweigh any potential feelings of uncertainty. Here are three key points that will help give you encouragement to call for a preplanning appointment.
Your loved ones need your help. Arranging your funeral in advance enables you to consider your personal preferences and make your own unique choices, but it also eliminates the decision-making burden for your family. Preplanning is one of the best gifts you can give loved ones in order to ensure they will not be faced with such a heavy responsibility at an already emotionally overwhelming time. This allows them to focus on their journey through grief.
Death has no schedule. The best age to prearrange your funeral might be sooner than you think. Some funeral service experts say age fifty is a good time to get started; however, everyone would benefit from the immense value of having plans in place. In fact, it is a growing trend among young individuals who want to adequately prepare for their futures and for retirement, part of which includes putting final wishes in writing and proactively factoring in the financial aspects. Funeral homes can help you estimate costs and set aside funds in a funeral trust. This portable trust, which is not considered an asset, helps give you peace of mind that expenses will be covered when the time comes.
Preplanning meetings are not scary. A prearrangement conference involves a friendly conversation with a specialist who can guide you through the many options and help you properly record your wishes. The decisions made during preplanning can be altered at any time.
Our funeral home has knowledgeable, experienced professionals who are eager to support you in the preplanning process. Call us to make an appointment today.
The overwhelming emotions that often accompany loss might leave you feeling helpless. Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, highly respected author, educator, and grief counselor, says, “I sometimes call the necessary sadness of grief ‘sitting in your wound.’ When you sit in the wound of your grief, you surrender to it . . . You shut the world out for a time so that, eventually, you have created space to let the world back in.” It is important to seek support as needed when you experience the death of a loved one. Besides counselors and other medical professionals who have the knowledge and ability to assist grieving individuals, funeral home staff generally provide many ongoing grief support opportunities. But it can also be helpful to find additional, sensitive ways to confront the feelings of sadness and sorrow caused by loss. There are many complementary and alternative therapies that can be beneficial for those journeying through grief, and listed below are three common options.
Animal-Assisted Therapy
You may have seen a registered therapy dog wearing a vest at a school or hospital before, but they are now becoming a more frequent sight in funeral homes as well. Spending time with animals can actually help improve the moods of those struggling with anxiety, stress, depression, and even grief. Sometimes called pet therapy, animal-assisted activities are a casual, comforting way to bring calmness and joy to individuals who have recently experienced the loss of a loved one.
Art Therapy
A benefit of art therapy is that individuals can uncover, explore, and convey emotions through the process of creating. Art often provides a form of escape for people, which might help allow those who are grieving to feel a sense of peace, and it also encourages appreciation and enjoyment when life might otherwise feel overwhelming. While art therapy is a beneficial approach for anyone journeying through grief, it might be particularly useful grief care tool for children and for those who have limited verbal communication ability.
Music Therapy
Music therapy can help individuals improve overall health and well-being in a variety of ways. A common myth is that only those with musical ability can take part in music therapy; however, no experience is necessary. Participants may be asked to do a variety of music-related activities, such as moving to the rhythm, writing lyrics, or practicing receptive listening, as part of a therapeutic intervention. Similar to art therapy, music therapy helps create an awareness of emotions and offers a way to express feelings, both of which are vital parts of the healing process for those who are grieving.
If you are interested in one of these sources of grief support, talk to your doctor for more information and for a qualified therapist recommendation or program referral.
A simple cup of coffee, a kind phone call, a thoughtful card. The care a funeral home provides doesn’t end when the service and burial are complete. Anyone who has lost a loved one knows the journey through grief can seem overwhelming and lonesome, but funeral homes offer continued support along the way. Many funeral homes have a grief specialist or a grief care coordinator whose job it is to reach out to those who have recently experienced a loss and to provide them with compassionate care during the weeks, months, and years following. This ongoing support helps individuals manage grief in healthy ways. The opportunities to gather and talk create a sense of community at a time that might feel isolating. Listed below are just some of the ways funeral homes provide valuable grief support.
Support Groups
Most funeral homes offer meetings for those who are grieving, and some even have separate groups for children and teens or for those whose loved one died by suicide. Grief support groups generally meet on a regular basis and are led by the grief care coordinator. However, these gatherings are not limited to one particular style or structure; there are more casual options available, too. For example, some funeral homes host weekly knitting clubs or card games, and monthly lunches at restaurants are a common offering for widows.
Special Events
In addition to regular support group opportunities, grief care special events occur at different points throughout the year and are unique occasions for conversation, remembrance, and healing. These events can range from an informative seminar to a more lighthearted group painting session. A popular annual event hosted by many funeral homes is a holiday service of remembrance to honor those who have passed away each year. It is best to check funeral home websites or social media platforms for when and where these special events are offered.
Resources
Funeral homes provide many, many educational resources for those who have experienced loss. Most locations have shelves of useful books and brochures, as well as categorized lists of additional grief-related texts and movies. Grief care coordinators often send monthly newsletters or periodic emails. They can also direct individuals and families to many other organizations, events, and websites that are available to support those who are grieving.
Experience
Beyond hosting support groups, putting on events, and providing resources, funeral directors and grief specialists simply have more experience with death than most people. They are natural sources of guidance and encouragement, and, even after the funeral or memorial service is complete, they are still there to help. Contact your local funeral home for more information about the grief support they offer.
Flowers bring people joy, so it’s no surprise they are an integral part of many special occasions. We often think of poinsettias at Christmas, roses on Valentine’s Day, and lilies for Easter. It is common for weddings to feature stunning arrangements and for anniversaries to involve thoughtful bouquets. Funerals are no exception. Whether it is a lavish display of gladioli or a vase with a single yellow rose, flowers add beauty and sentiment to one of life’s most momentous events: death.
When someone I know passes away, should I send flowers to the funeral home or the family’s home?
Both are great options. Flowers delivered to the family’s home or place of work are often referred to as sympathy flowers and can be sent any time to show you are thinking of them. Those arrangements should be addressed to the family, and you might want to include a thoughtful condolence message.
Funeral flowers, sent directly to the funeral home, are very common displays at funeral and memorial services. Funeral homes make sending flowers to the service easy because most have an option to order arrangements through their website. All you have to do is choose and pay online. The system will automatically send your order to a local flower shop and have it delivered to the service.
If you plan to deliver flowers to the funeral home yourself, be sure to get them there with plenty of time before the visiting time or service begins. Also, keep in mind that funeral flower customs can vary based on religious beliefs and cultural norms, so you may need to take that into consideration.
No matter where you choose to send an arrangement, be sure to sign the card with your complete name(s) since the family may know many others with the same first or last name as you.
What if I would like to send an arrangement but the obituary says, “In lieu of flowers . . .”?
When the family includes a specific request for donations instead of flowers, it is best to respect their wishes. You could consider sending simple flowers along with a note saying you made a donation to the organization they listed.
What options are there for funeral flower arrangements?
There are casket sprays, standing sprays, baskets, wreaths, and other individual bouquet selections.
How do I decide which flowers to send someone who is grieving?
Some find it heartwarming to send the type of flowers that the decedent most preferred. While any color of flower will be cherished, white and yellow are common choices. Many floral websites have a designated section for sympathy and funeral flowers to choose from, or you can simply ask the florist what they might suggest.
What should I do with the flowers after my loved one’s memorial service?
You get to decide what to do with a loved one’s funeral flower arrangements. Possible options include taking them home, leaving a few behind at a gravesite, giving some to family and friends, or donating them to places such as hospitals or nursing homes. You can also separate the arrangements into smaller groupings, and the opportunities for brightening others’ days with a beautiful bouquet are endless.
Also, before you decide what to do with the flowers, it might be worthwhile to take photographs of the arrangements to look back on.
Cemeteries have served as a transcendental site to mourn and honor the dead for hundreds of years, and, while seemingly centered around death, they have also always been an integral part of life. According to Encyclopedia Britannica, the history of cemeteries goes back to basic plots on family homesteads and small graveyards surrounding country churches. The need for more space led to the creation of larger cemeteries, generally on the outskirts of town. Traditionally, cemeteries were an essential and scenic part of every community, often featuring an elaborate entrance gate and stunning sculptures or greenery.
In recent times, as more people recognize the importance of memorialization in the grieving process and as the desire for alternative burial options increases, cemeteries have evolved. Contemporary memorial parks emphasize the simplistic beauty of nature and of life by utilizing flat stones and including just a few tall monuments that often represent hope. More modern options, such as a columbarium or a cremation bench, meet the needs of individuals who wish to be cremated. Some cemeteries have also aimed to better support those who are grieving by designing features like memorial walls, healing paths, and sacred spaces to gather or meditate.
Because burial signifies the finality of death, it can be a key part of the journey through grief for many individuals. Spending time at a gravesite encourages peace in knowing that a loved one is at rest. Besides paying tribute to a person’s life and legacy, permanent memorials can help sustain the feeling of a physical connection with the deceased. They also offer a place for others to remember and honor the decedent far into the future.
With Memorial Day approaching, there are a few etiquette reminders for upholding a respectful cemetery visit:
Don’t
Do
If you are interested in learning more about cemeteries, burial options, or the connection between gravesites and grief, call us at the funeral home today. We can also help assist you in designing a permanent memorial for you or a loved one.
Grief is not something you can plan for or rehearse. The grief process is different for everyone, and it follows no specific timeline. One of the biggest struggles for those journeying through grief is how to recover the normal they once had before losing their loved one. Although the effects of grief vary from person to person, stress is generally a common factor.
Accumulating effects of grief can physically manifest in a variety of ways, and some of them, such as holding your breath or clenching your teeth, might even go unnoticed. These seemingly minor symptoms can have a negative impact on the body. The breathing exercises, movement, and meditation associated with yoga can help facilitate a sense of peace for those grieving and provide coping mechanisms. Whether you choose to join a class or purchase an instructional video, yoga helps relieve stress in a healthy way.
In addition to developing healthy habits to help manage the stress of grief, it is important to seek additional support as needed. Funeral homes provide a safe space for families to both honor the life and mourn the death of loved ones, but they also offer many grief-related resources over the weeks and months following the funeral service. Grief care coordinators connect with and assist families who are working through the stress and emotions that accompany loss. Contact your local funeral professionals for more information about how to cope with the effects of grief. If you are interested in giving yoga a try, check out these great YouTube videos that were specifically developed for those who are grieving.
In “Healing Yoga – Season 1 – Episode 12 – Grief,” Deborah Devine encourages those who are grieving, regardless of age or fitness level, to use yoga as a way to manage the symptoms and encourage mindfulness: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cb07z_uW1M
In “Yoga for grief and sadness // Yoga with Dionne // 20 minute practice,” Dionne Elizabeth leads a gentle, calm series of yoga poses to create openness on the journey through grief:
Personalization is a significant part of funeral planning for many individuals, so deciding what to do with cremated remains can be another opportunity to creatively memorialize a loved one who has passed away. There are many options for those who prefer a more traditional route, but this list includes a few unique possibilities to consider.
Memory Glass: Memory Glass suspends cremated remains within solid glass sculptures or glass jewelry. This artistic option provides a personalized, beautiful reminder of your loved one’s legacy. www.memoryglass.com
Garden Memorials: Wind chimes, bird baths, and sundials are just a few of the outdoor memorialization options. Adding one of these features to your yard or garden makes it a special place to remember your loved one. www.batesville.com
Cremation Jewelry: This option involves inserting a small portion of a loved one’s cremated remains into a piece of jewelry, such as a pendant. Many people find cremation jewelry to be a comforting, constant reminder of their loved one. www.batesville.com
Biodegradable Urns or Tokens: There are many biodegradable urn and token options for ground burial or water scattering. These are creative, eco-friendly ways to memorialize and pay tribute to a loved one. www.batesville.com
If you are concerned about the cost of memorialization using cremated remains, there are many economy urns and keepsakes for customers with a low budget. Biodegradable construction, basic steel, particle board, and brass are some of the less expensive materials available. The possibilities seem almost endless for those interested in something completely extraordinary, too. Portions of cremated remains can be incorporated into artificial reef environments, fireworks, or even tattoo ink. The most important thing to remember is that every life is significant and should be memorialized in some way.
When deciding what to do with the cremated remains of a loved one, it might help to consider the future. Where would you want your loved one’s remains to be in five, fifteen, or even fifty years from now? Some individuals are electing to not have a funeral of any kind nor a memorial of their deceased family member. Unfortunately, this can extend the grief process. A physical marker of the life and legacy of a loved one who has passed helps family and friends heal. Funeral professionals always advise that a portion of the remains be retained for interment and memorialization in a cemetery or alternative location.
So, when it comes to deciding what to do with cremated remains, consider the wide range of possibilities as well as the potential impact of what you ultimately choose. Your local funeral home is ready and able to answer questions, explain the options available, and help you decide what is best for your family.
Green funerals and burials are gaining popularity as trends in funeral service reflect a desire for more personalization and as people turn their focus to environmental awareness. Funeral homes can choose to become green certified through the National Funeral Directors Association, which requires a significant amount of training as well as meeting several compliance standards. While most funeral homes are likely to accommodate certain requests that are considered green practices, being certified shows how some funeral homes, like Abels Funeral and Cremation Service, are going the extra mile to reduce their carbon footprint and to confidently provide families with an array of eco-friendly options.
William Camp, one of the funeral directors at Abels Funeral and Cremation Service, says that green funerals and burials can involve a variety of different practices. The most common is related to the preparation of the deceased. There are formaldehyde-free embalming fluids that provide the necessary cosmetic and body preservation to allow for public viewing and visitation gatherings. The second most common option associated with green funerals and burials involves merchandise. Abels Funeral, for example, has biodegradable caskets and urns. For cemeteries that require a vault, they can turn it upside down; this maintains the structure of the vault, but it also allows the casket to be exposed to the earth and eventually break down. In one of the counties Abels serves, a rural cemetery has opened a green burial section to allow full body burials without any casket or vault.
Abels Funeral and Cremation Service became certified in order to better meet the needs and desires of families they serve. Camp says, “What families want comes first for us.” They value all funeral practices, and they believe being highly knowledgeable in up-to-date possibilities is highly important. If you are interested in learning more about how funeral service is going green, talk to your local funeral professional about the many unique possibilities.
If you find yourself eager to organize closets and dust crevices, you might realize it’s that time of year again: spring cleaning. But if you can’t relate to that feeling, there are plenty of books out there to give you guidance and motivation.
Margareta Magnusson’s short text, The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning: How to Free Yourself and Your Family from a Lifetime of Clutter, offers one approach related to the popular values of minimalism and tidiness. The concept of death cleaning comes from the Swedish practice of sifting through possessions and determining what to do with them next, and Magnusson particularly emphasizes passing certain objects on to those who might enjoy them. This process is intentionally done to avoid burdening family or friends with such an overwhelming task after one passes away, although the method is equally beneficial in reducing excess belongings for any particular reason. While an orderly home is certainly a main focus, Magnusson also notes how the process can help one feel more comfortable with the idea of dying.
Swedish death cleaning, or any form of decluttering, might be worth considering if you are on the quest for more joy and less stress. Eliminating the frustration of mess and the burden of too much stuff might allow you to focus more on things like gratitude and living in the moment. Besides those organized closets and dusted crevices, spring cleaning might just lead you to a more peaceful life.
Margareta Magnusson, The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning: How to Free Yourself and Your Family from a Lifetime of Clutter, Scribbner, 2018.
Those who have faced a highly stressful time in their lives, such as major surgery, the birth of a baby, or a transition to a new home, know just how helpful and comforting it is to have someone else take care of the cooking. When someone you know experiences the death of a close loved one, providing home-cooked food is a great way to support them in their time of need. This small action can be a heartwarming blessing to those who are grieving. Here are a few things to consider before you start cooking.
Communication
Let someone in the family know you will be bringing a meal and offer them a couple of dates to choose from. Because food intolerances and allergies are common, send a little menu that includes a few different options so they can select what they would prefer.
Quantity
Additional relatives or visitors might be present for the meal, so be sure to provide extra. If you are making a meal that is to be eaten at the time of delivery, you could double the recipe and make the second one freezer-friendly. This is a great way to provide more support later on when life might still feel a bit overwhelming for the family.
Presentation
You might want to consider how you personally would serve the dish and what else might be needed. Adding salad, dinner rolls, dessert, or even a beverage ensures that the family meal is completely taken care of. Use a disposable dish with baking instructions written on it. Throw in paper products, too, because the last thing they will feel like doing is washing dishes. Many people like to include a couple of inexpensive toys for children or a few basic grocery items such as fruit and eggs. These are added extras that might make life just a little bit easier for those dealing with a recent loss.
Delivery
Most likely, the best way to drop off your meal is to let them know when you plan to leave it at the door. However, depending on the person, you should also be prepared to stay and chat if they are wanting to spend time with a friend.
Not a cook? Can’t squeeze in the time? Want to be different?
While a home-cooked meal might be most people’s first thought, there are other ways to provide a bit of cooking relief to those who are going through a difficult time. Including a gift card to a local restaurant that delivers or offers carryout is a great option, particularly if you suspect the family might already be receiving several casseroles in the next few days. There are also many online meal services that you can order from and have delivered to the family.
A common assumption is that an obituary is merely a death notice. While that might be the case for newspaper submissions, funeral homes generally include full obituaries on their websites and on memorial folders for no additional cost. Therefore, writing an obituary is also a precious chance to express a loved one’s legacy and share parts of their life story from the very beginning to the very end. If you are looking to create a well-written, meaningful obituary, here are a few pieces of advice that will help guide you through the process.
Consider Organization
Jumping around with facts and descriptions makes it too hard for the reader to follow. Chronological order is almost always going to be your best option for arranging events and accomplishments. You might also want to follow up the timeline approach with a paragraph that emphasizes the nature of this person’s character and what they will be remembered for.
Use Personal Details and Examples
Individuality can be achieved in an obituary by offering specific details rather than a generic overview. Don’t simply list where your loved one lived and worked over the course of their life. Consider what made this person unique. Give an example or offer a quick anecdote to help illustrate descriptions.
Know That It’s OK to Be Funny
Or reserved. Or sarcastic. Or boastful. Or whatever you feel would be fitting for your loved one. The tone and style of the obituary should match the personality of its leading subject.
Have Someone Else Proofread It
Reading and rereading your work is great, but you will also want someone else’s input. You might even want two people to help you out, such as someone else who was close to the one who passed and someone who is more removed from the situation. Besides catching things like minor punctuation and spelling errors, ask them for their overall impressions, too. The funeral provider you are working with can also help ensure the obituary is as good as it can be before you submit it for publication.
Keep Perspective
Writing an obituary is no simple feat. Feeling like you’ve done your best to pay tribute to a loved one is the main goal. Overall, if you are given the important opportunity of writing an obituary for someone you knew and loved, try to remember the essential focus: an obituary is actually about life.
When it comes to traditional funeral service practices, some people might envision a solemn ceremony in a formal setting with a focus on scripture. However, many families today are looking for a more personally meaningful experience when honoring a loved one who has passed. As a result, celebrations of life are becoming increasingly popular. In a broad sense, a celebration of life is a modern take on a funeral service or ceremony, but the specific definition may vary from one family to another. While religious elements are often still included, a celebration of life goes beyond a traditional mindset and places the most emphasis on doing just as it claims: celebrating the life lived and the legacy left behind.
A celebration of life should be one-of-a-kind and highly memorable. Families who choose a celebration of life may opt for a unique venue, such as at a lake, which often creates a more casual atmosphere. Little creative features can make a big impact not only on the families served but also on all who attend. Andrew Yaggie, a licensed funeral director and certified funeral celebrant at Glende-Nilson Funeral Home and Cremation Service in Fergus Falls, Minnesota, recognizes the need for celebrations of life in a time when a more traditional or universal approach is not what everyone might want. He has a deep desire to meet the individual needs of those seeking his direction and to encourage families to carefully consider their options. Parking John Deere tractors outside the funeral home, asking people to wear a superhero shirt, and using a motorcycle escort are a few of the personalized features he has helped families include in their final farewells.
No matter how much of a celebration is involved, however, funeral directors do not take assisting the bereaved lightly. Yaggie says, “Some families see a ‘celebration of life’ as merely a party and as a way of circumventing their grief or a formal ceremony, but those who have lost a loved one still need to come together in support for a time of meaningful remembrance.” That is why a funeral director plays a vital role in supporting and guiding families through the process, even if they desire a more informal event.
Celebration of life services can require a fair amount of coordination and extra time spent by the funeral home staff to incorporate requests, though the efforts are well worth it. Yaggie’s advice to anyone desiring a celebration of life is to block out the norms they might have observed in more traditional funeral service. He says, “Think outside of the box. Every life is unique and worth remembering. How do you want to be remembered?”
An interview with Bob Eastgate, Funeral Director at Eastgate and Parkway Funeral and Cremation Service:
Why is funeral service important?
Effective funeral professionals, who I define as caregivers, help families heal.
How do you know?
Because they tell us. I have a drawer full of thank you cards that are a testament to my belief that individuals and families begin to heal through our work. With our assistance, they can begin to re-engage in life without the person who has passed.
Why do we need funeral service professionals?
I would say that when someone you love or care about dies, your thinking gets fuzzy. A funeral director’s job requires him/her to think of things the average person never has to or wants to think about.
What constitutes a funeral?
To me, a funeral can happen in a number of ways. The ceremony itself is and can be, of course, a major aspect of a funeral. However, Ernie Pyle, a famous WWII war correspondent, wrote a beautiful story about the death of Capt. Henry T. Waskow and how his soldiers honored him in a simple goodbye on the foot of a hill in Italy. They weren’t in a church or funeral home, but they said goodbye to their friend and leader. That’s a funeral.
As a funeral staff, we have helped families create a variety of ways to have a funeral. I’ve seen tremendous benefit in video tributes of a person’s life. I’ve seen families openly grieve when touching an urn with their loved one’s remains. I believe a visitation or a gathering for friends and family is extremely important because it has practical as well as psychological benefits. And there always seems to be healing when breaking bread together.
Why have a funeral?
As I’ve said many times, we don’t have a funeral just because someone died, but because they LIVED. And their unique life is important to be recognized.
While many people will be enjoying chocolate treats and dinner at a fancy restaurant this week, Valentine’s Day can also be a particularly challenging time for those who have lost a close loved one. Holidays can be aching reminders of how that special person is no longer here to celebrate with. If you have recently, or even not so recently, experienced the loss of someone near and dear, consider choosing one of these ways to honor their memory in a creative way.
Start a New Tradition
One way to hold on to the presence of your loved one who has passed is to form a new tradition based on their interests. If your husband enjoyed hiking in the mountains as often as he could, start taking the kids to an indoor rock wall once a month for an entire year. If your best friend was a Halloween fanatic, plan an annual costume party in her honor for the neighborhood. If your grandmother was known for her caramel apple pie, vow to bake one each year on her birthday. Establishing this new ritual will provide you with a steady reminder that your loved one’s spirit lives on, and it will give you something to look forward to when needed most.
Try Something Artistic
Create a simple poem, serious or humorous, about a loved one who has passed by using words and phrases cut out from a magazine. Invite guests over and cook them your loved one’s favorite meal. Get together with family to paint your loved one’s favorite saying or Bible verse on a canvas to hang in your house.
Appreciate Life
While grieving the death of a loved one can cause deep sorrow, it is so important to be reminded of life during this difficult time. Ask a friend to join you on an exciting adventure such as going zip lining or taking a weekend road trip. Visit someone you know who recently had a baby. Start a gratitude journal. Plant a garden. Treat yourself to something you’ve always wanted or simply schedule some time for extra self-care.
Give Back
Lastly, what better way to honor the life of a loved one than to do something generous and caring on their behalf. Random Acts of Kindness Day, which falls on February 17, is a perfect opportunity to share the overflowing love you still have for a friend or family member who has passed away.
Advance Planning, Pre-Planning or Pre-Need Planning
The act of arranging for final disposition, including a funeral, cremation, memorial, ceremony or other service/plans prior to death. This can involve simply recording one’s wishes and/or making financial arrangements.
Aftercare or Grief Care
Terms used to refer to the various services that are available from a funeral home or crematory following the death of a loved one.
Alkaline hydrolysis, Bio-Cremation, Resomation, Flameless or Water Cremation
A process for the disposal of human remains using lye and heat. The process is being touted as an alternative to the traditional options of burial or cremation.
Apportionment
When cremated remains are divided for separate disposition (separating some cremated remains in an urn to be scattered or dividing smaller portions into keepsake urns).
Arrangement Conference
A meeting between the funeral director and the family or representative of the deceased for the purpose of planning a funeral or final disposition of a deceased person.
Bereaved
Someone who is suffering the death of a loved one; this could be immediate family or friends.
Bier, Church Truck or Catafalque
The stand on which the casket rests during a ceremony or viewing. The Church Truck is a collapsible version of this stand.
Burial Permit
A legal document used to authorize burial, cremation, scattering or disinterment. The funeral director usually obtains the burial permit on behalf of the family.
Columbarium
A structure that is used to house urns with the cremated remains of the deceased. It may be either freestanding, or part of a chapel or mausoleum.
Committal Service or Graveside Service
The portion of a ceremony that may involve speaking last words just prior to burial or the placement of cremated remains.
Cosmetize
To prepare the deceased body for viewing or visitation by using cosmetic products.
Cremation
A method used to reduce the body of a deceased human or animal down to its basic elements. The most common method of cremation involves incineration at high temperatures.
Cremation Jewelry, Memorial Jewelry or Keepsake Jewelry
A special type of memorial jewelry which may include a small amount of the cremated remains or several strands of hair of the deceased, or dried floral particles from the funeral of the deceased. Keepsake jewelry can also be created by using a fingerprint or DNA of the deceased.
Crematory or Crematorium
The facility where cremation of a human or animal body takes place.
Death Certificate
The legal document that certifies the death of the deceased. This is required by law after a person dies and must be completed by two parties — a medical professional (either a physician, coroner, or medical examiner), who will certify the death by noting the cause of death, time of death and the identity of the deceased, and a licensed funeral director, who will confirm that the body was properly handled and that final disposition occurred.
Direct Burial or Immediate Burial
A simple burial with no viewing or visitation, usually involving only the transportation, care, and burial of the remains.
Direct Cremation or Immediate Cremation
A simple cremation with no ceremony, viewing or visitation, usually involving only the transportation, care and cremation of the remains.
Disposition
The placement of whole remains in their final resting place or the completion of the cremation process. Burial is a form of disposition, as is cremation.
Embalming
The process of temporarily preserving a body by using chemical injections and/or topical applications to maintain a static condition through the time required for viewing and funeral ceremonies.
Eulogy
A speech delivered at a funeral or memorial service in honor of the deceased. The person delivering the eulogy is usually a close friend, member of the clergy, family member or other person of significance to the deceased.
Funeral, Memorial Service or Celebration of Life
A ceremony that honors, celebrates, and remembers the life of a person who has died.
Funeral Director, Mortician or Undertaker
At a funeral home, the staff member who works with a family to arrange burial, cremation or other funeral services. A funeral director is generally licensed through state health departments, although not every state requires licensure.
Funeral Escort
Law enforcement or other contracted individuals who escort a funeral procession to the cemetery.
Funeral Procession
After the funeral service is finished, the remains of the deceased are transported to the final resting place as part of a funeral procession made up of two or more vehicles.
General Price List
The General Price List (GPL) is a written, itemized price list that every funeral home is required by Federal Trade Commission law to provide to consumers upon request or at any time in which a price discussion occurs. It lists all the items and services that the funeral home offers, along with the cost of each item or service.
Green Funeral or Natural Funeral (aka Green Burial or Natural Burial)
A funeral designed around concepts, practices, and options that are considered eco-friendly. For example, the use of bio-degradable materials for burial containers, embalming, etc.
Hearse or Casket Coach
A vehicle designed to transport the deceased as part of the funeral ceremony and/or procession.
Interment
The act of placing a body in a grave or tomb.
Inurnment
The act of placing cremated remains in an urn and/or columbarium.
Irrevocable Contract
An irrevocable contract must be used solely for the purpose of paying for funeral expenses. Most people choose to make their pre-funded funeral dollars irrevocable because they want to ensure that the money will be available to pay for their funeral at the time of their death.
Mausoleum
A building that is used to house the casketed remains of a person above ground, instead of burial in a grave.
Next of Kin
The deceased person’s closest living relative.
Obituary
A written notice placed in newspapers, online, etc. which announces a person’s death. The obituary may contain biographical information about the deceased, surviving relatives, funeral arrangements, and other information requested by the family.
Officiant or Celebrant
The person who leads the funeral or memorial service.
Outer Burial Container
Also known as a “vault” or “grave liner,” this is a structure made of concrete, metal, or wood that supports the casket in the ground and helps to keep the grave from collapsing.
Pall Bearer, Casket Bearer or Urn Bearer
A person who helps to carry or escort the casket or urn during a funeral or memorial service.
Plot
A specific piece of ground that is owned by a family or an individual and located in a cemetery. It is used to bury the casketed body or urn containing cremated remains.
Scattering
The act of distributing the cremated remains of the deceased.
Scattering Garden
A specific area or plot of land set aside for scattering the cremated remains of humans or pets. The scattering garden is usually owned by a cemetery or crematory. Permission to scatter must be obtained and recorded with the cemetery or crematory staff.
Urn
A container designed to hold the cremated remains or ashes of the deceased, either on a temporary or permanent basis.
Urn Vault
A small reinforced container used to house a cremation urn that is buried in the ground.
Viewing or Visitation
The viewing or visitation offers relatives and friends of the deceased an opportunity to view the deceased or the closed casket or urn before the funeral or memorial ceremony.
Vigil or Prayer Service
A vigil refers specifically to a Roman Catholic religious service held on the eve of the funeral. A prayer service refers to the similar type of religious service without the Roman Catholic tenets.
Wake
A watch kept over the deceased that is held the night before the funeral and sometimes lasting the entire night.
When someone you know experiences the loss of a loved one, it can leave you without words. At the same time, you want to extend condolences, so you carefully select a beautiful sympathy card to send. When you sit down to sign it, you might worry about saying the wrong thing or start to think nothing you say will matter. It can certainly be a frustrating situation for you at a time when you would rather put your energy toward those who are grieving.
However, the most important thing is that you say something. We know that grief requires support, and writing a heartfelt message in a sympathy card is a simple way to show you care. If you are stuck and in search of a little guidance, this list offers a few basic options. You can use these suggestions as they are or edit them for a more personal touch.
To put it bluntly, the journey through grief is awful. It feels good to have others validate this fact and acknowledge your pain—in a real and gritty way.
Honestly acknowledging that you do not know what to say is completely acceptable, and a genuine approach is often greatly appreciated.
Knowing the positive impact a loved one has had on others can be therapeutic for those left behind.
It sounds so simple, but it is comforting for the family just to know others care about their loss. Often times, a handful of direct, sincere words can be more effective than going overboard with commiseration.
While what you choose to write in a sympathy card might largely depend on the relationship you have with the person you are sending it to, there are a few things you should always avoid saying. Messages that compare sorrow or force the recipient on a specific timeline for healing are unhelpful because everyone will grieve in their own way. Even if you have the best of intentions, it is also not the right time to give advice. Humbly offering genuine words of support, no matter which ones you end up choosing, will show you care, and that is, after all, why you bought the sympathy card in the first place.